Noon, Aug, 2014.
There was a real guilt behind his words. The guilt of a man who would go out and do it again but would never be proud of himself for it. Knowing every action brought no joy and only cost him all the chance he got at a good life.
It wasn’t supposed to end like this.
Dozie didn’t know if it was karma that had caught up with him. He slumped on the two-seater couch, staring at his father whose gaze was on the little flower vase on top of the oakwood table in the middle of the sitting room. One look at him, Dozie could see he was trying not to delude at the turn of events. His mother wasn’t any better. Her head shook frantically. Her eyes were a shade of austereness while it fixated on the TV set in front of them displaying recent headlines.
Then she swirled her head to glance at him and his father. The revential look she always exhibited whenever she wanted to talk to him wasn’t there anymore.
“Arent you going to say something?” her voice sounded cocophous but Dozie knew better. She was trying not to affirm the secret he thought would be safe.
“I don’t know who posted the video and it’s not on my phone.” he got an idea of who did that but things are sometimes left unsaid.
“If you didn’t know, how did your presence appear in it?” Dozie shook his head. His father had always been dubious about what he wanted. About his lifestyle and he hated to prove him right.
“Fine! I’m gay. Are you satisfied now? To hell with everything.” he stood, flinging the booklet that had become dampen on his palm. Flung his phony life he was forced to stimulate right from childhood.
Abstained from girls, because his father wanted him to become a pastor. Abstain from boys that could have a ruinous influence on him.
“Don’t miss any Sunday service,” his mother would always remind him while growing up. Sometimes she would draw his ear close to make sure her words had sunk in. He knew his life was fallible and would continue to be the moment he started accepting their encroaching advice.
“Dozie nwa m, we want you to become a pastor and serve God for the rest of your life. It’s too hard to do? Are we asking much?” he wanted to tell his father that wasn’t what he wanted. That wasn’t what his fervor was. It had never been his passion to become a pastor instead an actor because he loved to stand on the stage to display his effeminacy, to display his prowess at acting.
But Chike’s sumptuous skin swelled up a beguiling feeling in him that day they met for the first time at the pastoral school. The sonority of his baritone pulsated the urge for a provocative engagement with him. And he yawned for the proximity of their bodies dangling together on the bed even if it was just once so he started accepting his hoax life seriously. It became his routine, nibbling on the poignant lifestyle that he couldn’t feel his originality, his true self.
A day away from now would have been his ordination as a pastor if not that the cat had been left out of the bag. Would it even work out now that the video of him making out with a strange guy he didn’t know had gone viral on social media?
“Dozie return back here!” his father bellowed.
“Look at who we’re trying to save his image is walking out from us. Dozie I chọrọ I gbụo m?” his mother’s feeble voice would have drawn him back, scrambling to his knees for forgiveness.
“I don’t want to. To hell with your ordination! ” he hollered, ramming his room’s door shut. Tomorrow he would find out who had betrayed him. Who chose a moment like this to strike?
*****
Dusk, Jan, 2013.
Dozie watched the sun retrogressed deeper into the cloud from the windshield of the car he was in, pulling into a stop at the parking lot of the pastoral school. He alighted, heading to the boot to bring out his bag when he caught sight of a head staring at him from the upcoming car that screeched to a halt beside theirs.
He probed his gaze to see pastor Samuel—his church pastor—gliding off to the newcomer as they shook hands. Laughter trundled out of their lips. Pastor Sam twirling to gaze at him.
“Dozie, come and meet my friend, pastor Dominic.” pastor Dominic, a short man whose presence seemed cordial, let out a smile and shook hands with him.
“You’re welcome,” pastor Dominic said, his strong grip nearly thrown Dozie aback for a man of his size. “Chike, are you sleeping in the car?” Dozie heard a grunt and the face he had seen earlier popped out.
An anomalous excitement pulsated in Dozie’s stomach as he scanned the striking novel of the guy that was likely to be around his age or older. His skin looked rosy, his hair shaved in an afro hairstyle.
“Good afternoon, sir.” he shook hands with pastor Sam and merely nodded at him. Dozie noticed the tonality of his voice sounded intoxicative. And he longed to hear more of it. To keep him talking even if the words are inept.
“Since we’re heading in one direction. Let’s go together.”
He took the daring move to discover he came from the same ministry as him except they’re from different churches.
They became entwined. Dozie lasciviousness grew that morning Chike emerged from the bathroom inside the one-room apartment they shared, naked. His eyes rolled, his body quivered with uneasiness.
“I’m out now. You can have the bathroom and be fast, we’re late for sunday service.” Dozie wasn’t listening. His eyes were fixated at one spot he knew images of it wouldn’t be leaving his head sooner. “What are you staring at?”
He snapped back to reality, shaking his head. “Nothing. You get nice skin.” he smiled, ignoring Chike’s ice-cold gaze boring at him as he had realized what he was gazing at. His cheek flushed and he nipped towards the bathroom in a dash.
His struggle to keep those desires in check became sweltering. The proximity of Chike’s body to his at nights before they sleep became more fervent that he sometimes long for an escape, for a moment of breath that he might be exposed and he wouldn’t be the pastor his parents want him to be.
“Can I ask you a question, Chike?” Dozie said one night, hustling beside him at the bed.
“Sure you can.” Chike back was on him then he turned around. Although the room was plunged into darkness due to the power outage in the institution.
“Do you’ve a prejudice against those that do same sex things like homosexual?” Deadpan silence descended on them before he replied.
“You mean being homophobic? No, I’m not. Everyone is free to live their life.” Chike drew close, his breath on him. “Are you one?” There wasn’t a reprobation on his tone. It was comforting as if to say I don’t mind if you’re one. Dozie could feel Chike hand trailing around him as if searching for his hands and he exclaimed.
“You’re turn on!”’ The stuntedness in his tone made his heart pounded in excitement so he allowed Chike to grope him and they did it.
Dozie’s relationship with him became auspicious and they decided to make it delusive in the eye of the public which would be mistaken for friendship until they graduated but the cat was left out of the bag by someone they least expected.
*****
Dawn, Oct, 2013.
Dozie and Chike plodded inside the rectory’s office, taking in the conventional room that looked simple and casual. This was usual for both of them to be called at the same time especially now they had few exams to round up before they leave the pastoral school. Dozie had his heart in his mouth at the sight of his parents and other which he assumed was Chike’s. His heartbeat quickened, stomach churning at the thoughts assailing his mind. He viewed Chike’s eyes fluttering in what he could describe as fear. Had they find out about them?
The rector beckoned them to sit, stopping their greeting.
“What I have been hearing rumor of you and Chike are in a relationship, is it true?” His tone was low and ignominious. Dozie sighed. He was tiring of hiding it, of who he had realized he was.
“Yes. It’s true, sir.” he replied, his voice clothed with pride and guilt. Pride, that he had come to realize love could be found in the same gender and he found Chike. Guilt, that the consequences of their actions would cost them disqualification.
His mother and Chike’s were the first to gasped, their head shaking fervently. Dozie at one point thought he saw tears trickling down his mother’s cheek. He watched Chike head bent as if he, himself, couldn’t stomach the revelation like the rest.
“Chidozie, is this how you decide to repay us?” his mother sobbed, her voice low and feeble. Dozie wondered why his father hadn’t said anything. They remained silent, their eyes switching, nose flaring occasionally.
“According to the rules of this institution, once found guilty of the act the culprit will receive an immediate expel from the institution without an explanation—” murmur erupted. Was these how it would end for them? “—but I’m risking my position to do this. One has to leave for other to—”
“I’ll leave, sir. After all I wasn’t meant to be here.
“Dozie, don’t do that!” Chike cried.
“Don’t do what? Are you out of your mind, Chike?” his mother hushed, hauling glares at him. Then she faced the rector,“thank you too much. We’ll do as the situation demands.”
The rector nodded as if he hated fact he had been interrupted. “Initially, the residing pastor of your respective churches supposed to be here with the institution committee but for the bright future of them—staring at the duo—I want the rumor to end as soon as it starts.”
Outside the rector’s office, a video of Dozie making out with a stranger was posted on social media and it went viral.
*
Dawn, Aug, 2014.
“Be careful around dozie. He’s so girly and might be a gay.” Somadina, who had become friends with Chike, had once told him in the lobby when they were on break during their time at pastoral school.
Chike wished he had eschewed him. He scanned the face of the congregation, the rainbow light glistening at everyone’s face but he couldn’t see Dozie. Was he avoiding him because of the video posted?
There was a turbulence of voice the moment the General Oversea’s presence was stiffed. Everyone stood, pages from the hymn book were read while they awaited the G.O. to sit.
But Chike wasn’t concentrating as he slouched on the seat meant for him as the young pastor and became airhead that he didn’t realize the ceremonial rite had been performed until he was called up to the pulpit.
He muffled his gasp, sighting Dozie striding inside the church in a simple attire and smiling back at him as if he knew Chike was glimpsing at him while he scurried to the pulpit.
“Dozie, wait!” Chike jolted towards him the moment the ordination was over. There was the wry smile on his face that Chike wanted to pull off. “How?”
“You mean how it everything possible? This.” he stretched Chike a paper which he grabbed and read: To both of you, especially you Dozie. Your boldness for coming out has made me realized how moronic I am to think self hate and denial are the only means to suppress who we’re. I have the courage to come out now, all thanks to you.
Paul Chibuzo.
(Your rector.)
ABOUT
Ikechukwu Henry is an ardent reader of fiction, he is fiction writer, and a myth enthusiast. His works has appeared/forthcoming in Kalahari Review, Trash to treasure, swim press, Icreative Review and others. He won the first runner up in RoNovella Writing contest first edition and awarded at Tenacious Writer’s Award 2022 for fiction and nonfiction. You can connect with him on Twitter @Ikechukwuhenry_
Moonbow Magazine 